JOY -- the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying. Joy. A word (an idea…) that has left me with a lot to contemplate lately. I wonder how many people actually know JOY. I’m sure most people can define joy, but how many of us actually live with it? If you do, what brings you joy? What brings anyone joy? Love? Family? A job promotion? A new outfit? Sure, all these things make us happy but how many of us can say we live a life with real joy. I think joy is much deeper than just being happy… just feeling like it’s a good day. I think joy is a way of life. A deep way you feel something good… a way you feel it in your soul. I was recently listening to a podcast and heard a story about a man who consciously tried to avoid letting joy into his life. This way, he figured, if something good happened it would be a pleasant surprise. And if things didn’t go that well, he wouldn’t be disappointed. When he was in his 60s, he lost his wife of 40 years in a car accident. I don’t remember the direct quote, but he said that in that moment of loss his biggest regret was that he didn’t take the time to enjoy her… to really find the JOY in his everyday life with her. I was listening to this as I was driving and I just started to cry – dang emotions! But seriously, this hit me so hard that I gasped and covered my mouth. I was living that life! I’ve been walking around on egg shells with myself trying to avoid anything too good from happening… trying to avoid anything feeling too good. If I had more than one good day in a row it gave me immense anxiety because I just expected the other shoe to drop at any moment. My depression – specifically my negative thoughts – have been running (and ruining) my life for years now. YEARS! Years of life with my husband, my family, my daughter. Those in my inner circle know that the last one – time with my daughter – has hit me the hardest. The amount of guilt I have about this hurts me so deeply. She’s what’s important, BUT I’m important too. In the words of the wisest woman I’ve ever met, I am learning to “turn the channel” on my negative thoughts. I can’t do anything about the past, but I CAN do something about today. I’m learning to let down the walls of perfectionism. I can’t stop the thoughts from appearing, but I can stop grabbing on to them. Through a lot of therapy, I am learning to identify behaviors (such as this avoidance of joy) and learning tools to help deal with some of my biggest struggles. And in group therapy, I have learned that I am not alone. This is the greatest gift that I have gotten out of my therapy. There is nothing quite like sitting in a room and listening to someone explain their own struggles AND their own triumphs in a way that you know you connect with. Through this work, I am searching for JOY. In the acts of self-care that I have begun to practice, I am able to be open to JOY. By practicing mindfulness, I am looking for JOY. By sitting with my daughter and practicing being fully present for her AND for me, I am seeing JOY.
I want to FEEL joy in my life. It’s a process… it’s a journey. This has all been a difficult yet rewarding journey. Every day is different. Every day is a NEW day and every day is an opportunity for me to be a better mom… a better wife… a better ME. One day at a time. Bring me the good things, God… I think I’m ready now. XO, Katie
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AuthorMy name is Katie and I am just a woman struggling in the deep throes of depression and anxiety hoping to go on (and document) a journey to find PEACE and share it with anyone who may feel alone in a similar journey. Archives
November 2017
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