In my last post, I enumerated three road blocks I have identified in my own recovery efforts. Things that have gotten in my way on the search for health and happiness. Although I struggle every day with these things, the bright side is that I have also learned the healthier alternatives.
As I continue this fight to better myself, I hope I can slow the racing thoughts of negativity and find room for some healthier ways of thinking. Expectations My psychiatrist is a great doctor, but we’ve been butting heads a little lately about my treatment. Despite this, he always reminds me of something that I wish I was better at. Managing my expectations. Of course, it’s good for anyone to set goals, but I keep getting caught up in wanting to make drastic changes to every aspect of my life and all at once. Let’s face it, that would be hard for anyone, but lump on top of that a struggle with depression and anxiety, and it’s really just a recipe for disaster. I am setting myself up for failure. I think deep down I understand this, and I try and set smaller goals, but as of now I have a hard time knowing how to keep myself from expanding the goals and, before I know it, the expectations are out of control again. Another concept that I have learned to try and combat, is the idea of “black or white”… all or nothing. This stems from my perfectionism, and it is a dangerous way of thinking. Dangerous because it very often leads to disappointment which often puts me on a downward spiral of unhealthy choices. Real life cannot be measured in black or white. It’s healthier to live in shades of gray. Things shouldn’t have to be perfect for them to be acceptable. I need to let go of the idea of only perfection is good enough. Self-love and Acceptance It’s no secret that I don’t really like myself. I really lack self-esteem… confidence. I am not sure when this started, but for as far back as I can remember I have been self-conscious. Despite doing well in school, I never had confidence in my abilities or my intelligence. Despite being a great athlete, in great, strong physical shape, I have always felt fat. I have never felt good enough. I am not saying this for sympathy, I’m just admitting fully for the first time. The truth is, now I am overweight. But I definitely was not back in middle school and high school. I am sad for that young woman. Sad that she didn’t have someone to teach her how to feel good about herself. Someone to teach her how to be healthy in mind and body. Now that I have a daughter, it makes me even more sad. I catch myself sometimes let my anxieties and perfectionism seep out in my mothering. I want desperately for her to grow up differently than me. I want her to know how wonderful she is. I want her to know that SHE IS ENOUGH and that she deserves great things. The interesting part of all of this is I think the first step in helping my daughter is learning to help myself, first. I have to find a way to be happy with ME. No one can truly do that for me, but ME. And, God willing, I can teach my daughter to live a healthier and happier life than I have. Quick Fixes For a long time, I have been so frustrated that the depression meds weren’t working. I thought that if I just had the right medication, or combination of medications, I would have this miraculous recovery. I wanted someone (or something) to do the work for me. Truth is, I didn’t want to deal with the deep seeded pain that is at the root of my problems. Don’t get me wrong, I fully believe there is a chemical imbalance involved in mental health issues. However, I have come to learn that that is not the only thing. There are other aspects of life that keep you down in that deep, dark hole. You have to do the work to climb out. You need to find what is causing so much emotional pain and work, as hard as it can be, to LET. IT. GO! Quick fixes have also derailed any progress in weight loss and bettering my physical health. I also searched for easy diets or magic pills that never resulted in any change, or at least not any change that lasted. People always say you have to make it a “lifestyle change” not just a diet. I have come to believe this too, but that doesn’t make it any easier. My sadness leaves a hole inside of me that I think I am always trying to fill and unfortunately I tend to fill it with food. Emotional eating is a real problem for a lot of people, but it is just another bad habit of mine that sends me spiraling and it’s only a temporary “fix.” ------------------ ----------------- ------------------- So, where do I go from here? I have to keep trying, right? I need to slow down… take things as they come. I need to make one choice at a time and, hopefully, more of those will be good choices than not. Back to the drawing board. ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME. XO, Katie
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Happy September! I haven’t posted in a while… but I’ve been writing a lot. The problem is, I’ve also been deleting a lot. I’ve been struggling with how to articulate my life and feelings lately – I’ve been struggling, period, if I’m being honest… The feelings of depression sneaking up on me. Certainly I have had these feelings before, but it feels a little different this time… like a bigger let down.
I started this blog only a few month ago. When I started it, I had a lot hope and was feeling inspired. I had this vision of documenting this time of growth in my life. I wanted to look back at this time and be able to say, “see, I finally did it… I finally turned the corner.” Perhaps it was too much of a fantasy. Perhaps I set my expectations too high. I have a habit of that, after all (more on this later). After a couple months of feeling pretty good, more often than not, I started to feel a little down a few weeks ago. My sleeping started to suffer again, my energy was a little lower. I stopped watching my diet and I really wasn’t exercising. And before I knew it, I was back in my dark place. I feel a lot pressure. My husband says I am the only one applying this pressure, but its pressure none the less. My life feels like it’s at a crossroad, perhaps I’ve mentioned this before. I knew things were changing… I knew I had to make some decisions. I got scared… I am scared, because I am entering uncharted territory during a time of year when I have struggled extra hard in the past. This time of year has been especially hard for me the past several years. As summer comes to an end, my daughter goes back to school, and the days start to become shorter, I often find myself feeling down. A lot changes in life toward the end of August and into September each year, and it invokes a lot of stress and dread… and on top of that, it’s my birthday next week. I used to like my birthday just as much as the next gal, but the last few have been depressing for me. I mean, no one wants to get older – and I’m certainly not old – but for me, my birthdays have become a marker of time gone by. Another year gone by during which I haven’t been happy with myself or my life. Admittedly, I have a rather unhealthy obsession with time. I always find myself anxious over how much I’ve gotten done in a day as compared to what time it is. Toward the end of July, I found myself getting sad and anxious about summer coming to an end, even though there was almost a month left. I’m supposed to be celebrating a fun weekend for my birthday but all I want to do is stay home in my PJs because I feel so sad and defeated about the status of my life and the lack of changes I’ve made since my last birthday. I’m guessing there is at least a few of you out there that can relate to these types of feelings. I talk about these sorts of things a lot in therapy and with those close to me. It’s a terrible cycle to be in for anyone. Set goals/make plans --> do nothing/make mistakes/give up --> feel guilty --> panic about the future… And around and around it goes… I have been stuck in this cycle with so many different aspects of my life for so many years, I can hardly see straight anymore! I talk the talk about making slow but deliberate changes to better my life, but I really never “walk the walk.” I’ve been “trying” to eat cleaner and healthier for years. I’ve been “trying” to exercise more for years. I’ve been “trying” to lose weight for years. I’ve been “trying” to decrease my stress. I’ve been “trying” to (insert anything)… Why is it that I used to be so driven to succeed but when it comes to doing anything that is truly for me I can’t seem to get my s$!t together! Well, there are a few things I’ve learned about myself and, if you see yourself in any of it, maybe we can work on bettering these habits together. Currently, these are my road blocks on my road to wellness:
Perhaps that is for another day… But, for today, I am going to keep trying. I’m going to keep praying and working on myself. After all, my journey hasn’t ended… it has just gone off course a bit. XO, Katie |
AuthorMy name is Katie and I am just a woman struggling in the deep throes of depression and anxiety hoping to go on (and document) a journey to find PEACE and share it with anyone who may feel alone in a similar journey. Archives
November 2017
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