Happy September! I haven’t posted in a while… but I’ve been writing a lot. The problem is, I’ve also been deleting a lot. I’ve been struggling with how to articulate my life and feelings lately – I’ve been struggling, period, if I’m being honest… The feelings of depression sneaking up on me. Certainly I have had these feelings before, but it feels a little different this time… like a bigger let down.
I started this blog only a few month ago. When I started it, I had a lot hope and was feeling inspired. I had this vision of documenting this time of growth in my life. I wanted to look back at this time and be able to say, “see, I finally did it… I finally turned the corner.” Perhaps it was too much of a fantasy. Perhaps I set my expectations too high. I have a habit of that, after all (more on this later). After a couple months of feeling pretty good, more often than not, I started to feel a little down a few weeks ago. My sleeping started to suffer again, my energy was a little lower. I stopped watching my diet and I really wasn’t exercising. And before I knew it, I was back in my dark place. I feel a lot pressure. My husband says I am the only one applying this pressure, but its pressure none the less. My life feels like it’s at a crossroad, perhaps I’ve mentioned this before. I knew things were changing… I knew I had to make some decisions. I got scared… I am scared, because I am entering uncharted territory during a time of year when I have struggled extra hard in the past. This time of year has been especially hard for me the past several years. As summer comes to an end, my daughter goes back to school, and the days start to become shorter, I often find myself feeling down. A lot changes in life toward the end of August and into September each year, and it invokes a lot of stress and dread… and on top of that, it’s my birthday next week. I used to like my birthday just as much as the next gal, but the last few have been depressing for me. I mean, no one wants to get older – and I’m certainly not old – but for me, my birthdays have become a marker of time gone by. Another year gone by during which I haven’t been happy with myself or my life. Admittedly, I have a rather unhealthy obsession with time. I always find myself anxious over how much I’ve gotten done in a day as compared to what time it is. Toward the end of July, I found myself getting sad and anxious about summer coming to an end, even though there was almost a month left. I’m supposed to be celebrating a fun weekend for my birthday but all I want to do is stay home in my PJs because I feel so sad and defeated about the status of my life and the lack of changes I’ve made since my last birthday. I’m guessing there is at least a few of you out there that can relate to these types of feelings. I talk about these sorts of things a lot in therapy and with those close to me. It’s a terrible cycle to be in for anyone. Set goals/make plans --> do nothing/make mistakes/give up --> feel guilty --> panic about the future… And around and around it goes… I have been stuck in this cycle with so many different aspects of my life for so many years, I can hardly see straight anymore! I talk the talk about making slow but deliberate changes to better my life, but I really never “walk the walk.” I’ve been “trying” to eat cleaner and healthier for years. I’ve been “trying” to exercise more for years. I’ve been “trying” to lose weight for years. I’ve been “trying” to decrease my stress. I’ve been “trying” to (insert anything)… Why is it that I used to be so driven to succeed but when it comes to doing anything that is truly for me I can’t seem to get my s$!t together! Well, there are a few things I’ve learned about myself and, if you see yourself in any of it, maybe we can work on bettering these habits together. Currently, these are my road blocks on my road to wellness:
Perhaps that is for another day… But, for today, I am going to keep trying. I’m going to keep praying and working on myself. After all, my journey hasn’t ended… it has just gone off course a bit. XO, Katie
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AuthorMy name is Katie and I am just a woman struggling in the deep throes of depression and anxiety hoping to go on (and document) a journey to find PEACE and share it with anyone who may feel alone in a similar journey. Archives
November 2017
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