Why start a blog? Truth is, over the last 5 years I’ve “started” a couple… maybe wrote a post or two, but never followed through. Unfortunately, that’s been a common problem of mine, following through with promises I make to myself. If someone asks me to do something, particularly if that someone is a boss or an elder, I’ll do it in a heartbeat with 110% effort. But to do something for myself? Not so much…
It’s not cause I’m claiming to be some kind of selfless martyr here. Actually, I’ve come to be quite lazy I think. I do the bare minimum in the morning to get to work, give my all at work despite being in physical and emotional pain most days, and then come home to again do the bare minimum to get through the evening and then crash when my daughter goes to bed. This has really been a continuous cycle now for almost 6 years. Sure, I’ve had good days, weeks, maybe even a month here or there. But overall, I’ve been struggling since I gave birth in October 2011. For years leading up to my pregnancy, I had some mild depression and anxiety but it didn’t really take too strong of a hold on me. I was very aware of post-partum depression, but was determined to fight it off – as if it was something I could defend myself against. But, it hit me like a freight train… Now, before you all jump all over me telling me how “post-partum doesn’t last that long” – I know… But what else I know is that something broke in me when I became a mother… something I haven’t been able to repair yet. It was such an amazing time… meeting the little lady we created, sweet little baby things… the smells, the cuddles, all the firsts. So many good things have happened since she’s been in our lives. She’s a beautiful little girl. She’s so smart and kind… hilarious and stubborn. It’s true what they say… you don’t know love until you’ve had a child. I would do anything, anytime for her. But, in my quiet time alone with her and when all the visitors stopped coming by, I slipped away. I actually didn’t really know it, until my pediatrician looked my straight in the eye and said, “are YOU ok?” No, I wasn’t ok… I was struggling to bond with my baby and I felt tremendous guilt over that. From day one I just HAD to do everything “right.” Since day one I have felt like I’m drowning and failing. I want so badly for her to have it better than I did, but the pressure I put on myself to be a good mom and to provide a happy and stable home life has been eating away at me for almost 6 years now. So, here I am now… late in the evening in July 2017… and you know what? I’m NOT ok today? But for now, it has to be ok to NOT be ok… The one thing I know for sure, is that only me, myself, and I can get Katie better at this point. Truth? I’m not even sure I want to try anymore… but on my better days, I can see a little light and it’s enough to push me through to the next day. I am consciously starting a journey that, God willing, will have a better ending than beginning – and, therefore, I want to document it. Because I hope one day, when she’s older and can better understand, I want to show my daughter how her mom fought. That no matter how or when my story ends, she needs to know that I tried. And so here it is. My first post. One step forward… one step at a time. XO, Katie
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AuthorMy name is Katie and I am just a woman struggling in the deep throes of depression and anxiety hoping to go on (and document) a journey to find PEACE and share it with anyone who may feel alone in a similar journey. Archives
November 2017
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