Have you ever thought about what is holding you back? What is keeping you from being what/where/who you really want to be?
I happen to be a pro at making excuses. Once in a while, they are valid, but most of the time they are just that – excuses. Underneath all the excuses, however, is something deeper. Something I wasn’t aware of until recently when I was called out on it. “Why are you so afraid to be happy?” A loved one said this to me a few months ago and at first I was like, “that’s ridiculous.” But, when the moment calmed down a little, I thought about it and it turns out it wasn’t so ridiculous after all. Fear. Like most emotions, fear has a place in everyone’s life. It keeps us safe. It pops up in situations where we need to be more aware of our surroundings. Perhaps someone is following you or you get lost in an unsafe area of a city… Situations, such as these, require our nervous system to react so that we can run if necessary. It’s our fight or flight and we don’t want to dismiss or diminish it. However, for some of us, this part of our being can be hyperactive and this is when we get in trouble. Fear can be a beast of an emotion. If we aren’t careful, it can take over and we aren’t even aware of what’s happening. I’m not sure when this happened to me, but it did. Fear has been running my life and it leaves me sad, nervous, and really freakin’ tired! What am I so afraid of? Failure. What other people think of me. Letting others down. Making a mistake. The fall from happiness. So many things… By living (and sometimes obsessing) in a state of fear, I miss out on A LOT. It has left me super stuck in this place that leaves me so unhappy. Then, when I have moments of clarity and motivation, I can look past the fear and have motivation to make changes. The problem with this, for me, is that I then “decide” to make ALL the changes at once. Then, the moment it gets even a little uncomfortable, the fear takes over and that’s the end of it. It truly feels like that last 6+ years have been a constant stream of one step forward and two steps back. More than anything, fear has gotten in the way of my general happiness. When things seem to be going well, or when I might be having a good day, it makes me uncomfortable. I get nervous when I feel happy! How ridiculous is that?!?!? When I get nervous, my anxiety takes over and if I can’t get it into check I become a “not so nice” person. For reasons I still can’t seem to understand or get ahold of, I sabotage happy times. I have a tough time enjoying things, because my mind goes to “what goes up, must come down…” I fear the bad things that may happen next. I fear the people I love will leave me, and so I push them away first. I let myself become a hermit so that I won’t be let down by the world outside the front door. I would NEVER let my daughter live this way, so why do I let myself live this way. Why do I do this to me? Fear. It’s a beast.
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“Where did Katie (that’s me!) go?!?!?” I’m probably actually the only person who’s really asked this question, but as far as blogging goes, where did I go? I can’t believe it has been over 2 months since I’ve posted. I’ve thought about it so many times and I really was committed to it when I started, but it always got pushed to “tomorrow,” which unfortunately is a common theme for me. I always seem to have a lot of goals, but not a lot of follow through. I have a terrible habit of setting unrealistic expectations for myself and then get overwhelmed and quickly fall back into unhealthy ways. But regardless, there were two reasons I started this blog – both of which are still very much true.
My therapists’ favorite sayings is “what you pay attention to will grow.” A friend of mine says she pictures it as watering her garden. Her thoughts are like plants and what she waters will grow and multiply – and in some instances, take over. In other words, if you focus on negativity then the positive will seem out of reach and the suffering will continue. But, if you can get yourself (sometimes forcefully) to focus on the positive, it hopefully can become a habit that will increase your happiness.
I have a long list of topics I want to blog about and hopefully I can get some of my readers and followers back… but if not then that is OK too. As the seasons change and the weather becomes cooler, I’ve had HUGE transitions and changes in my life in the last month and I let it get the best of me. So, here is to new commitments…
XO, Katie |
AuthorMy name is Katie and I am just a woman struggling in the deep throes of depression and anxiety hoping to go on (and document) a journey to find PEACE and share it with anyone who may feel alone in a similar journey. Archives
November 2017
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