“Too many high hopes, too many disappointments.” (weheartit.com)
I promised on Instagram that I would write a post about shame, and I will, but something else has come up that I need to write about before I finished that post. I want to write (and by write, I guess I mean vent…) about people who let us down. People who are the closest to us. People you let in over and over… sometimes against your gut feelings. Maybe a sister? Or maybe a best friend? A co-worker you thought you could trust? A spouse? It doesn’t necessarily matter who the person is to you, because the feelings you have about the situation are probably about the same. If you love someone and they lie to you, it never feels good. But what if they spend years trying to earn your trust back and it just so happens that as soon as you let your guard down, they lie again. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME???” Is this an accurate quote? This is what I’m struggling with. When someone you trust makes you feel as small as can be, shouldn’t it be there fault? After all, THEY did wrong… right? I’m feeling very lost regarding this. How is it that someone can lie to me on more than one occasion, but somehow I still sit here feeling bad? When someone struggling with low self-esteem like I do, I think it’s easy to get beaten down by people. I have an insatiable need to please people. So much so, that even when I can recognize that someone is beating me down, it’s hard for me to step away. Perhaps those close to me may even take advantage of this weakness I have. I always seem to end up apologizing and trying to crawl my way back to them. I feel completely lost in this situation. I have let myself get close to someone again, I let them take care of me, I let myself feel safe and taken care of. Was this their plan all along? To make me feel indebted to them before they stabbed me in the back again? Sometimes I feel trapped in my own head… trapped in my own life. I feel like no matter how hard I try to better myself, my life seems to always be one step forward, two steps (or more) back. I’ve utterly lost myself. I’ve probably been lost for years, actually. In a sense, I’ve gotten clearer about things in the last several months… but my “clarity” has only revealed a confused and lonely 32 year old woman who has no idea how she ended up here. I’m at a crossroads… a major crossroads I think. Things are changing around me and I’m having to make some choices. I’m tired though… exhausted by the constant rumination and self-doubt. I’m scared for the future, but even more scared of the present. I’m trying to focus on ME… I’m trying to find some peace and some connection to something greater than myself. I’m searching for MY happiness… MY peace. Hoping I find some of it soon… XO, Katie
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AuthorMy name is Katie and I am just a woman struggling in the deep throes of depression and anxiety hoping to go on (and document) a journey to find PEACE and share it with anyone who may feel alone in a similar journey. Archives
November 2017
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