Relationships. *BIG SIIIGGGHHH* They are what life is made of. But, wow, they can be hard and stressful. It’s been a tough couple of weeks for me on a personal level. The last several weeks have brought a lot of changes to my life and a lot of decisions are being made that, while not permanently, are going to have a huge impact on life. These things have made me a little more sensitive than usual… to put it politely. In the middle of this personal chaos, while I’m trying my best to practice my self-soothing skills, I got into a fight with someone I love.
Note: Because I have chosen to write this blog and share my deep secrets and feelings, doesn’t mean those in my life have also signed on. So, I am going to do my best to keep things anonymous even if it may appear obvious who I am writing about. This wasn’t just any old fight or disagreement – it was a big one. Something happened several years ago that really hurt my trust with this person and I’m not sure I ever fully got over it. Well, it happened again. Lets take a step back for a minute… I have a long way to go to better my mental health, but something I have done in the last several months is become very self-aware. (In otherwords, I may not have the tools to fix my issues yet, but I know all about them!) I have a hard time trusting people, especially trusting them with my feelings. When I feel threatened by someone who may be about to hurt my feelings, I tend to either retreat or lash out. And, unfortunately, the closer I am to the person, the more likely I am to lash out. When I feel hurt or offended I tend to go back at that person with a lot of anger. During times like this, I have said a lot of things that I later regret. I have come to realize that I do this so that I can hurt them before they hurt me. I’m going to do THIS to YOU before YOU can do THAT to me. It certainly never works out that well, however. Knowing this about myself has really opened my eyes to some of my behavior. However, it has also confused me a little about my feelings. So, here is where my problem lies… I have had a tendency to over react for most of my life. I think it stems from the anger in my household growing up. The only way you may get heard is if you scream and yell the loudest. And so that’s what I do – sometimes it’s warranted, sometimes not. But then a little while later I just want the conflict to go away. And so, I apologize. I apologize ALL. THE. TIME. Again, we learn from our childhood and when you grow up in a house where you are always walking on egg shells, apologizing becomes a defensive mechanism. I think this has left a lot of unresolved issues within my relationships and has left me with a lot of pent up frustration and anger towards some people. Because, often, when I am in conflict with someone, I just ended up saying “I’m sorry” when I’m not… OR taking full responsibility for something that shouldn’t all be on me. So, the “issue” that caused the fight in the first place never actually gets resolved. Consequently, little “issues” down the road quickly escalate to BIG issues for me leaving the other person thinking I am over reacting! And yes, to the outsider I probably am over reacting. However, the way I feel is REAL to me in those moments. Because of my unhealthy way of dealing with conflict, I often get stuck after a fight with a loved one. Stuck in how maybe I should feel versus how I am actually feeling. And then I end up beating myself up for my emotional behavior…. And then, guess what!?!?!?! I end up apologizing! (insert bang head against wall emoji) Let’s circle back to this week, shall we? I was lied to by someone the other day that I care deeply about. This person has lied to me in the past, but has always claimed it was just to protect me. We’ve had the discussion about how I appreciate the good intention, but I always end up angry at some point when I find out the truth, so just TELL ME THE TRUTH to begin with. I was very hurt. I was angry and so sad. I had just started to let my walls down with this person… I was just letting them in. They were stuck on the idea of what was lied about while I was upset with the lying in and of itself! People have their “buttons” and this is definitely one of mine and it was pushed!!!! I was devastated, actually. I felt disrespected. I felt unimportant. I felt lost. I felt alone. I am not very good at regulating my emotions and I over flow quickly. I wanted this person gone. Out of my life. Don’t come near me again so you can’t ever hurt me again. It’s not the first time the two of us have gotten into such a fight. Usually I end up going to bed and a day or two later we kind of make up and go back to “normal.” But something different happened this time. I told the person for probably the hundredth time, “I’m done with you.” Usually this is responded to with an eye roll or silence, but this time I got the response of “ok, fine we’re done because I don’t know what to do with you anymore.” It was like a slap in the face – a slap I needed. I couldn’t catch my breath in that moment. I suddenly felt the walls caving in on me. In that moment, I had pushed too hard. I’ve pushed people away before that care about me, but never quite like this. I don’t want to go into the details of the rest of that evening… it feels too personal to share. However, for some reason this person loves me even though I’m a whole lot to put up with and we worked through it. Perhaps it has even brought us to a deeper level of understanding. Do you know what I also realized after that night? I can be manipulative. I make empty and cruel threats directed at loved ones when I feel hurt or threatened. I think I do it as a test almost… if they REALLY love me they’ll come beg me to stay or profess their undying admiration for me. This is a pretty embarrassing self-realization, but its honest. It’s my truth. At the end of the day, I am still that little girl who just wants to be loved and accepted. I mean don’t we all? The difference is that I now need to learn a healthier way to handle my emotions. Add it to the list… I’m a work in progress! XO, Katie
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AuthorMy name is Katie and I am just a woman struggling in the deep throes of depression and anxiety hoping to go on (and document) a journey to find PEACE and share it with anyone who may feel alone in a similar journey. Archives
November 2017
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