I wonder sometimes when it became “normal” for people to have more than one child. When did it just become the expectation that if you get married, then kids would follow. Certainly, there are no written rules about any of this, but it certainly feels like some people think there are.
Well, guess what? I have one child, and I don’t know that I will have any more. Not because I’m not physically able too, but because, so far at least, we have chosen not too. I don’t feel like I should have to explain this to anyone yet I often find myself doing so. Why is it even something people need to ask about? I’m sick of feeling guilty about my choice or feeling like I have to put an asterisk next to my response to “how many children do you have?” Look, I’m far from perfect and, while I try not to, I judge other parents too. But, please people… don’t judge when you really don’t have any idea what their circumstances are. And maybe there aren’t any “special” circumstances. Maybe he or she has just made a decision based on what feels right for them in their season of life. If no one is getting hurt or being put in danger, then keep your eyes on your own life! When I had my daughter more than 6 years ago, I absolutely thought I’d be having at least one more a few years later. I always assumed I’d have two or three kids, and I know my husband did too. But, things didn’t work out that way. Turns out, as I’ve written about previously, having a baby broke some kind of emotional “damn” inside of me and I began a personal battle with depression that still sits with me today. I had no idea that the way these last six years have played out would be the path my life would take, but it was. God gave me this path for some reason. It has taken me almost as long as my daughter has been alive to realize this. Slowly I am even becoming grateful for this experience because it has given me a direction for my future. However, the earlier years of her life were filled with really bad times for me. Days where I could barely get out of bed. Days when I didn’t get out of med. Countless medication combinations and some time in the hospital. Also, lots of time spent feeling guilty about bringing her into the world when I could barely take care of myself. So, yes I have chosen to not have another baby right now. Quite frankly the “why” is not really anyone’s business but my husband and mine. But, since so many seem to be curious, let me try and explain it a little. You see, I made a choice not to get pregnant again because it wasn’t fair to that future baby and it definitely wasn’t fair to the daughter I rocked to sleep at night. It wasn’t safe for me to carry a baby on the medications I was taking and it didn’t seem safe (or fair) to my family already on earth to go off of them. I always had the goal of getting well before she was old enough to realize what was going on. I don’t think I quite made that goal because I have realized that this will be a life long battle for me… but I’ve come to learn that that’s OK. She asks me for a baby sister or brother quite often and of course that hurts my heart. I try my best to be honest with her always. I tell her that my brain is "a little sick" and that sometimes I need to rest a little extra. I will continue to have age appropriate, open communication with her about my mental health and hers. One day, if she remains an only child, I will explain to her how hard it was for me, and why I chose the things I chose. And I think, even if not right away, she will understand. If a few years from now my husband and I change our mind and try to give her a sibling, I will do my best to answer those questions as well. But for now, I am just focusing on getting well so I can be the best me for my own little family. Having children is SO FREAKIN’ HARD!!!!! And yes, having just one kid is hard too. And, let me be VERY clear… for those of you who have two, three, four (or more!) kids… I have no doubt in my mind that things are hardER for you. But, please, don’t tell me how easy my life is. Please don’t roll your eyes at me and tell me I have no idea... Is your house more chaotic with four daughters? Absolutely! Is your calendar busier with two teenagers than mine will be with one? Probably. But, parenting is NOT a cake walk for anyone, anywhere. I understand how this can appear selfish to you… to those who don’t know me well, or to those who just don't understand. But that is not my truth. If you take anything away from this, please just remember that you have NO IDEA what is going on with people in the deep private valleys of their lives. Don’t judge me. Don’t judge anyone.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorMy name is Katie and I am just a woman struggling in the deep throes of depression and anxiety hoping to go on (and document) a journey to find PEACE and share it with anyone who may feel alone in a similar journey. Archives
November 2017
Categories |