Loud children. Too many texts. Angry parents of my patients. Way too many emails at work. Bad news at work. Bad news at home…
All these things – and probably some I’m not listing – are things I can’t really handle very well, even on a good day right now. I’ve been thinking about how to explain this lately so that I have a way to articulate it to my husband. Even as I’m working on myself, most days these things push me over the edge. I get hot, my heart starts to beat faster, I feel angry… panic sets in. The best words I’ve been able to come up with is that my brain, right now, is always on over drive. Even when I’m having a good day and feeling positive, my thoughts are always in over drive. So, every little thing pushes me over the edge. It’s like the little extra stresses overstimulate me and I just get immediately sucked into a downward spiral. That’s the best way I’ve come up with to describe it; “overstimulated.” Perhaps not the best verb, but it makes sense to me. Because of this, I often wish I could just have a big, red “reset” button. Since these don’t exist, what I’m left with is… alone time. Quiet time. Self-care at its best. On Instagram, I’ve mentioned several times about the importance of self-care when it comes to my mental health. As with everything, self-care is a learning process for me and so the concept of “self-care” will probably be a multi-post subject over the course of some time because this is something I am really focusing on, researching, and learning about. A few months ago, my therapist told me how she has a “therapy corner” in her home. A special chair where she sits when she needs to decompress. She chooses to write. Writing is something that calms her. Writing may not work for everyone, but the point is to have a place to go and activities to do that ease your anxiety and panic. I ruminated on this concept for a couple of months actually, until I finally found the motivation to get a few things together. Because lets be real, when your depression and anxiety is at its height, just moving a few things around in the basement sounds like climbing a mountain. Am I right or am I right? When we bought our house 6 years ago, we had a completely finished basement and we tried to make it a homey and nice space, but it just never really came together. Then several years ago the whole basement flooded terribly and we had to remove all the carpet. Since then it has really just been collecting junk. But, with a little help from my husband, I have what we affectionately call “Katie’s corner.” AND I LOVE IT! Alone time is very therapeutic for me so, in our small house, to finally have somewhere to get away has been amazing. In the past, when I would get in a bad head space, I would just go to bed. So, my bedroom became a place of “punishment” for me… full of bad times, tons of naps, but not a lot of quality sleep. So, I pulled out the chair and ottoman that I had in my daughter’s nursery – not that classy, but gosh darn comfy – got a lamp, found an old side table and her I am! Sometimes I just sit here and cry for a bit, sometimes I read, other times I just want to watch trashy television. I’ve also found that writing this blog feels really good as well. It continues to be so therapeutic for me just to talk about what I’m going through. I haven’t found that journaling helps me as much, but for some reason, writing on this blog feels good. I think it is because I try and write and share positive points in my struggles as well. It forces me to find positive things in my life and it also holds me responsible. I know that not too many people read this, and that’s ok because that isn’t the reason I started it, but a few people have checked it out (thank you) and because of you there is always a little voice in my head reminding me that I am putting goals out there in the universe… out there on the internet that I can never take back. And that’s ok, because it feels like good motivation to me. Mostly, I am learning to do things for myself, but writing it in a public way keeps me on my toes. I send a HUG and happy thoughts to anyone who may read this and who may relate… even just a little. XO, Katie
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I thought maybe I should explain why I picked “Mindful Health Gal” as the name of my blog. It actually started as a new Instagram handle back in January 2017. It was the new year and of course I was super motivated for change… my “new year’s resolution” was to just get to a healthier place, physically and mentally. I didn’t want to set specific goals, or follow a specific plan, but I’m a planner and a control freak, so “going with the flow” was not something I managed to do very well. I just wanted to feel better, sleep better, look better… BE better. But, in hindsight, I didn’t know how to do that nor was I in a head space to try to make the big changes I wanted to make. I wanted (still want) that all so bad, but in the course of a day or two I would just get too overwhelmed by all the rules or goals I would set that I would just collapse with anxiety and give up. Life slowly crept up on me and started to just to be too much… and here I am. But among all those goals, no matter what I might have said out loud, what I wanted to work on most was being more mindful. Mindful, to me represents being present. Being present in the moment, no matter what that moment is. This idea was introduced to me a few years ago in a group therapy session, and although I never came close to mastering it, it was a concept that has stuck strongly with me. Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/mindfulness) I constantly feel like I was missing out on my daughter’s life. I feel like time was constantly flying by and I was just watching my life from the outside. I spend the majority of days worrying about things that may happen or problems that might come up. I beat myself up for the cookie I ate yesterday, by completely giving up on healthy eating and binging. I am almost always feel in a place of “unrest.” I long for peaceful hours… peaceful days. I realized I don’t really know how to relax. Sure, I can sit with my feet up, but my mind is constantly going or I’m making lists (physically or mentally) about all the things I think I should be doing. I know that all of these things I struggle with will improve as I work to become more mindful. So, here are my short term goals to help me get their…
I’m sure this list will grow over time but part of being mindful is know that I’m in a fragile place right now and I need to lower my expectations. I think making mindfulness a priority will lead me to a much better place mentally and physically – to become healthier all around. So, as I sit here today and wrap up this post, I am not a Mindful Health Gal… but my goal is to get to a place where I live the life my blog name promotes. XO, Katie Party like it’s the weekend!!!!!! Or… panic like it’s the weekend???
One would think that a person, such as myself, who has been struggling with severe anxiety lately (largely based around work) would LOVE the weekend. But the last several months I have found myself dreading the weekends. I couldn’t understand it. My family didn’t understand it. Even my doctor and therapist didn’t seem to understand it. The weekends were (are?) just too much for me. They’ve been really hard. I’m exhausted from the week, not just from work – cause TONS of people work - but more from my anxiety. My negative thoughts ruminate constantly and it’s very hard for me to sleep. So, in addition to being physically tired I reach a whole new - and hard to describe - exhaustion because my brain NEVER STOPS. With this, it has become very hard for me to spend the whole day with an energetic 5 year old. Bless her sweet, beautiful little soul… Now, before you judge this statement, let me tell you something. I assure you, that I have enough of my own guilt about this being my current situation that I don’t need any input. Also, YES I have ONE child and YES, it’s still hard for me, AND YES I’m sure it’s even harder with multiple children. I just want to cover all that since I’ve heard it all before. End Rant. 😊 Anyways, I digress… weekends became a terrible time for me. I’ve always felt this tremendous pressure to have a spotless house. And I’ve been trying to figure out a balance of dieting for weight loss without going insane over “rules” of what to eat and what not to eat, so I felt pressure to create all these great meals for the week. The pressure I was putting on myself to get anything and everything done around the house made me crabby and soooooo stressed out. My anxiety became paralyzing and I was unable to really get anything done, and then that made me feel more anxious and the circle goes around and around. Instead of enjoying the days off during the weekend, I spent a lot of them crying with my husband sitting with me on the floor talking me through panic attacks. Then the panic attacks started spilling over into the week as well… And this is where we’re at. I need to make DRASTIC changes to all aspects my life, and this weekend situation is one of those aspects. So, something we focused on immediately is getting me out of the damn house, people!!! It has made an enormous difference almost immediately. Thank goodness it’s summer (cause Wisconsin) and we’ve adopted a new family activity. We’ve been trying different hiking locations and the whole family has been enjoying it. I get vitamin D, exercise, family time, and it helps distract me from my worries. You know what else I’ve had to do? ASK FOR SOME HELP! Ha, what a concept! It’s hard for me to even acknowledge I need help, much less ask for it. And you know what I’ve found? People can’t read my mind, but when I’m honest they are willing to help or come up with great suggestions to relieve some stress. It’s a work in progress for sure, but we’re truckin’ along… But I’ll tell ya something – fresh air does a girl some good! You know what else is helpful? Giving up on the obsession with what everyone (especially myself) is eating. Yeah, I know I have quite a bit of weight to lose, but cooking fancy healthy meals isn’t worth my happiness. My mom said something that I keep repeating to myself, “if your daughter eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for 5 days straight because that’s the best you can do right now, she will still be perfectly fine.” Sure, what we eat is important, but if it’s one less thing for me to think about right now then it’s one less thing for me to waste negative, anxious energy on – for now. I have to take my life one day at a time. I’m not very good at that yet, but I am really trying because some days I feel great and other times I literally can’t get out of bed. Therefore, when I start to think about tomorrow and the “unknown,” I immediately start to panic. ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME, KATIE… And, hey, CHEERS TO THE WEEKEND!! XO, Katie Why start a blog? Truth is, over the last 5 years I’ve “started” a couple… maybe wrote a post or two, but never followed through. Unfortunately, that’s been a common problem of mine, following through with promises I make to myself. If someone asks me to do something, particularly if that someone is a boss or an elder, I’ll do it in a heartbeat with 110% effort. But to do something for myself? Not so much…
It’s not cause I’m claiming to be some kind of selfless martyr here. Actually, I’ve come to be quite lazy I think. I do the bare minimum in the morning to get to work, give my all at work despite being in physical and emotional pain most days, and then come home to again do the bare minimum to get through the evening and then crash when my daughter goes to bed. This has really been a continuous cycle now for almost 6 years. Sure, I’ve had good days, weeks, maybe even a month here or there. But overall, I’ve been struggling since I gave birth in October 2011. For years leading up to my pregnancy, I had some mild depression and anxiety but it didn’t really take too strong of a hold on me. I was very aware of post-partum depression, but was determined to fight it off – as if it was something I could defend myself against. But, it hit me like a freight train… Now, before you all jump all over me telling me how “post-partum doesn’t last that long” – I know… But what else I know is that something broke in me when I became a mother… something I haven’t been able to repair yet. It was such an amazing time… meeting the little lady we created, sweet little baby things… the smells, the cuddles, all the firsts. So many good things have happened since she’s been in our lives. She’s a beautiful little girl. She’s so smart and kind… hilarious and stubborn. It’s true what they say… you don’t know love until you’ve had a child. I would do anything, anytime for her. But, in my quiet time alone with her and when all the visitors stopped coming by, I slipped away. I actually didn’t really know it, until my pediatrician looked my straight in the eye and said, “are YOU ok?” No, I wasn’t ok… I was struggling to bond with my baby and I felt tremendous guilt over that. From day one I just HAD to do everything “right.” Since day one I have felt like I’m drowning and failing. I want so badly for her to have it better than I did, but the pressure I put on myself to be a good mom and to provide a happy and stable home life has been eating away at me for almost 6 years now. So, here I am now… late in the evening in July 2017… and you know what? I’m NOT ok today? But for now, it has to be ok to NOT be ok… The one thing I know for sure, is that only me, myself, and I can get Katie better at this point. Truth? I’m not even sure I want to try anymore… but on my better days, I can see a little light and it’s enough to push me through to the next day. I am consciously starting a journey that, God willing, will have a better ending than beginning – and, therefore, I want to document it. Because I hope one day, when she’s older and can better understand, I want to show my daughter how her mom fought. That no matter how or when my story ends, she needs to know that I tried. And so here it is. My first post. One step forward… one step at a time. XO, Katie |
AuthorMy name is Katie and I am just a woman struggling in the deep throes of depression and anxiety hoping to go on (and document) a journey to find PEACE and share it with anyone who may feel alone in a similar journey. Archives
November 2017
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